Cover photo: Jan, me and Alex on the Waikiki beach sea wall

jimaifandis.com

1. Thinking – Not The Right Time, Not The Right Place

            4km (2.5mi) into a 10km (6.2mi) race and I was on a 4min/km (6.4min/mi) pace. Doing a sub 40 minute 10km 3.5 months before the Honolulu Marathon would mean I was on track for a marathon PB (Personal Best) for sure.

            But then it happened. I probably knew it was going to happen. Well, I wasn’t going to be distracted, and I wasn’t going to stop. It had started to happen in training, but I just sort of ignored it, hoping it would go away.

            Speed started to slow a little as I repeated “don’t stop” to myself. My predicament was obvious to all as I jettisoned instant daggers to anyone about to inform me of my situation. And to make matters worse, she who was hovering behind me for the longest time, overtook me near the end.

            I finished in 41:42 which wasn’t too bad considering my circumstance. I was determined to beat said she at the next race. But first, it was time to get myself fixed.

Faster than a poodle

Straight onto Google

Gotta find a way, before I eat my kitchener bun

To stop my shoe laces, from coming undone

Granny Knot

Reef Knot (AA+ stable rating by Moody’s)

            Ok, ok so I ran 25 minutes with a shoelace undone. It wasn’t that big a deal! It was only a little dangerous, and it only affected my running style just a little and it only added a little to my time and my shoe only became a little loose. But it was good practice for what could be done with a rogue lace in a big race. See!!! I had it all figured out.

            So how do I to stop my shoelace from coming undone? The answer my friend, was blowing in Ian’s Shoelace Site at www.fieggen.com

            You know that thing about a picture being worth a thousand words? Well it’s crap! The best way to convert from the bad granny to the good reef was to follow the written instructions. Good Grief!

2. City – Bay, A Perfect Day

A few weeks later and this horse attempted another sub 4 min/km pace. And the result? A PB on this course, of course. Here are the stats:

Knot: Reef

Distance: 12km (7.5mi)

Time: 47:48

Pace: 3:59min/km (6:25min/mi)

Speed: 15.1 km/h (9.4mph)

Position: 189 of 7268 (top 2.6%)

Status: Beat said she

White cap, under clock, hickory dock, where’s my choc, olate

3. Hang On To Your Hula Hoop

McMillan Running has a great running calculator. Enter your latest race distance and time, and it estimates times over other distances. Mmm. I think not. I settled on a goal of 3:15:00 instead. I was ready.

www.mcmillanrunning.com

4. All Aboard All Aboard, C’mon Boy, D’ya Wanna Ride, Honolulu, Mu Mu, KLF

            I packed my built-in-robe, bathroom and kitchen pantry into my suitcase and cruised into the airport with heaps of time to spare. But don’t worry. I still needed to sprint from the toilet to the gate so I wouldn’t miss my flight. I have concluded that Brain has just-in-time logic circuitry hard-wired and that any attempt to circumvent this logic is dealt with harshly.

            I was very much on the ball when at check-in I was asked, “Are you carrying anything sharp onboard?”

            “Just my wit!” I said.

            “What’s that?”

            “Oh, it’s err um err err, it’s my humour”, I finally replied. Wasn’t it enough that I knew how to use “wit” in a sentence? Did I have to know what it meant as well?

            I passed the time in Sydney snorting half a 500g Peanut M&Ms bag and convincing myself that the new $US50 note has more colours than the old note. I was dreading the 9 hour flight to Honolulu. Just my luck to be stopped at security.

            “Nice perfume”, I was told.

            It was time to board the Hugo Boss Express. As the plane should have been getting ready to take-off, it didn’t. An announcement was announced by the announcer that there would be a delay of one hour while a spare part was sourced. I drifted off to sleep as I wondered what this spare part could be.

5. You Can’t Fight City Hall

US Immigration now takes a digital photo and a digital finger print of all visitors. Bill G managed to get a copy of my files.

            “The photos are monochromatic, won’t this be problematic?” I said.

            “A decision was made, it’s a cost against quality trade”, said Bill.

            “But there is no quality, no greyscale, no resolution, just blobs.”

            “Yes it is a pity, I am pale, much convolution, many sobs.”

6. Waikiki

I fell instantly in love with Waikiki-dee-and-elton-john-don’t-go-breaking-my-heart-i-couldn’t-if-i-tried beach. The locals just call it Waikiki.

Waikiki

You’re so fine

You’re so fine

You blow my mind

Waikiki

The tropical climate on top of the city on top of the beaches made this trifle a treat. Seek destinations near the equator. Waiter!

I encountered two strange things in Hawaii. One was the state flag which had a Union Jack on it! The other was that on a perfectly sky blue clear day with no clouds, it could start raining! Not a downpour, but more like a misty shower that would be over within the minute.

While walking the footpaths, sorry sidewalks of Honolulu, many times I momentarily thought I was back in Japan. It was quite surreal. And the reason was because over half the runners in this marathon were Japanese. Sidewalk travelling meant negotiating with both the keep right locals and the keep left Japanese.

This is Kalakaus Avenue. Beach on one side, city on the other. Everything in Honolulu starts with the letter

K

7. Me

Alex, Jan, me and Kerran

Kerran got me a t-shirt to remember my first Ironman a few years ago. It was time to wear this thing in public as it was the only way to upstage the trainer managing to get the race committee to agree to run the Honolulu Marathon on her birthday!

For readers with poor eyesight, I have zoomed in on what my t-shirt says!

American food is frequently criticised for being you know…fast! This wasn’t the case at this restaurant where we enjoyed a good variety of food. No make that a good variety of sauces.

8. Kilomiles & Milometres

Our tropical abode with Jan’s Oz flag near the top

New York 2002 and Honolulu 2005 had the same service: mile markers every mile and kilometre markers every 5km. While I used the 5km markers in New York, this time I was going to use the mile markers to get more frequent updates on my pace.

This Nike wristband wasn’t just my target time of 3:15 divided by 26.2 miles – it actually allowed for uphills and downhills. I was ready. Get out of my way!

9. Preposterous Preparations

            The night before race day and everything was very much ok until it happened. Oh no! I couldn’t believe I broke it. I thought about using someone else’s but concluded that would be just too inconvenient given the overuse this thing gets on race morning.

            I decided to try and fix it. I pressed and prodded but nothing worked. Action stations, panic stations. As I tried to convince myself that maybe it will just fix itself by the morning, the universe allowed me an instant insight- ring hotel reception and get a plunger to unblock the toilet! And it worked.

            I was up around 3am for a 5am race start. I decided against sunblock as two thirds of the race would be over with before sunrise, so why did I take my sunglasses? I visited my unblocked thing at least 10 times before we hopped in the taxi for the 3.5km, sorry 2.2mi trip to the start line. I asked Alex how many times he visited his unblocked thing and he told me just once. Mmmm I thought, clearly he wasn’t taking this race seriously.

            At the start line and I got straight in line for another visit to an unblocked thing. Of course 25,000 starters had the same idea so I went and found a tree.

            I positioned myself some 100 metres from the start line. And I heard a calling. What? Again? Only minutes before this race starts and they were calling me. It was a chorus of callings. I succumbed quickly.

With the start just minutes away, presenting: Sue (1^st marathon), me (6^th), Alex (1^st), Kerran (2^nd), Jan (1^st)

            The sight of 50 plus unblocked things in a row only centimetres away with no queue in sight was too much to resist! As Jan #2 says, “I don’t like to miss an opportunity!”

            It was a warm 22C (72F), 76% humidity, no wind and no magic rain morning. These conditions were perfect for me. The hotter the better as I cope with the heat much better than most. The gloves were off and so was the shirt.

10. Nocturnal, Eternal

            The gun went off and I didn’t. I had to wait for say a few thousand runners in front of me to start moving. I shuffled to the start line and started to jog slowly. In big city marathons, the timing system logs your start time when it detects the chip on your shoe crossing the timing mat. Just as well coz the walkers at the back of the pack could take over half an hour to reach the start line after the gun was fired, which should have been aimed at the walkers starting at the front of the pack!

            I couldn’t believe the number of really slow runners and walkers around me. The first few minutes contained numerous collision avoidance manoeuvres to leave these dangerous pests behind. Whilst moving forwards, I was also moving sideways where my terrain was six odd road lanes, a median, two sidewalks and a partridge in a pear tree.

            The median afforded somewhat of a faster travel but obstacles were ever present on this track. Around one mile after the start, I was running without hindrance as bandwidth exceeded traffic volume.

11. Travelling Light Years

Honolulu 2005 is go.

It was magical running through downtown Honolulu in the dark with no traffic. We had caught this city asleep as we were just passing through, trying not to disturb it too much. Only the sound of foot-prints could be heard!

My much treasured Nike wristband wasn’t working. I couldn’t read the 4 point font while running so relied on the mile markers at the side of the road to get my mile splits from my watch where the aim was to average 7:27min/mi (4:38min/km). By mile 4 I had reached this target. Mile 5 was 7:17 and mile 6 was 6:59. I was feeling great and I was steadily making up time lost to congestion at the start. A 3:15 for sure today.

 The leading two women. F1 looks familiar.

12. Hillus Climbus

It was goodbye to the Waikiki crowds and hello to the really dark roads around Diamond Head. Pancakus Flatus was abruptly replaced by Hillus Climbus. With no street light in sight, my useless sunglasses came off and became even more useless as I carried them.

So now I was holding a bag of jelly beans and a powerbar and two gels and my sunglasses and the kitchen sink and running up a hill as high as a 10 storey building and all in the dark and still feeling fantastic. I ran downhill faster than most.

13. Do You See The Light?

Onto the highway and daylight was approaching. My sunglasses were back on but the lenses were sweat drenched, requiring periodic cleaning to maintain visibility. My mile splits had slowed a little but I wasn’t overly fussed about this. Mile 12 in 7:40 and mile 13 in 7:38. I reached the halfway point at around 1 hour 40 minutes. Maintaining this pace would mean I finish in 3:20 which would be very much ok with me today.

Runners chilling out on ice bags.

14. Obstacle Race

Beware baby milk bottles and K’s scattered left right and centre. Actually it was just one milk bottle. How strange to see this on a marathon course!

15. Houston, We Have A Problem

            The highway was mentally tough. It went on forever but the worst part was that you had to run back. Oh no! Forever times two! Mile 14 in 7:48. Mmm I was slowing down even more. No problem, I’ll just make it up at the end during my trademark sprint finish. Mile 15 in 8:13!!!

            My race had just fallen apart. Something was wrong. I was being passed by others at an alarming rate, consistently, certainly, coldly. Energy levels were evaporating. Fatigue was skyrocketing. What was going on? This was way too early to hit the “wall” but the huge number of kilometres in training could not allow this event to happen anyway.

            Sure it was warming up. There was no wind and humidity wasn’t excessive. But this sort of weather was never a problem for me.

            I developed a mild stitch that lasted for miles and miles. I was eating and drinking as best I could. My legs had turned to lead. I could still run, but it wasn’t easy.

            Ok so a 3:15 then a 3:20 was out the window today. I revised my finishing time goal to get a marathon PB today which meant under 3:29.

If Amy got her big fat head out of the way, then this newspaper article would have been about me. Me, me, me!

16. Life Is A Highway

            Each successive mile got slower and slower: 8:20, 8:35, 8:59, 9:11. I was now back on the highway again for the return journey. I would normally be quite encouraged by seeing the thousands and thousands of runners that were behind me that I could see running on the other side of the road. But not today. My deceleration was becoming obscene. Busloads, no shiploads, no planetloads of runners were overtaking me. I just kept going with ever expanding lead legs and fatigue fever.

            I fleetingly saw Alex run past on the other side of the road, but I was too fatigued to say anything. Jan and Kerran shouted encouragement from the other side of the road. I could only manage a half wave response. It was Jan’s first marathon and it was I who should have been encouraging her! I saw a runner running in wooden clogs, and I thought I had problems!

            At the 30km timing board, I worked out that I needed to run 5 minute kilometres (8:03min/mi) to get a PB. I worked out even quicker that that wasn’t going to happen. Maybe I was dehydrated? I walked the next aid station and drank an extra serve of water and yucky sports drink. And I continued. How not fantastic was it going to be running for who knows how long, feeling like this?

17. Finally Finished

I persevered as 9 minute miles turned into 10 minute miles. What would be next? 11 minute miles? Thanks to Diamond Head , the answer was yes. Yep, that 10 storey hill climb was back. If I could just get to the top without walking, it would be downhill all the way to the finish. A shuffling jog got me to the top followed by a heavy jog down to the finish.

I entered the finishing chute thinking it just wasn’t my day for a reason unknown, happy and disappointed at the same time. I finished. I walked straight under the showers to wash the sweat and gunk off me. Normally the threat of cold water was enough to keep me away from these things but not today.

Skippy, Skip Jr, Katie-Kelly Kalakuakakala and me

I wondered how the rest of the gang was going. I was feeling just fine. I decided on my walk back to the hotel that I wouldn’t over-analyse what had happened when I was attacked by a ferocious flock of flying pigs.

18. I’ll Get By With A Little Analysis From My Friends

Together for the first time, here are all my marathons. Graphs are just a great way to make sense of a huge number of numbers. This graph clearly shows that no analysis can be made of this spaghetti.

Too high for me- I’ll just stand by the door.

“Err, mister, is it ok if I spray someone else? Isn’t three hours enough?”

19. Reflection Rotations

A feast for five fantastic finishers. We reflected on the day’s efforts at a seafood restaurant containing a massive aquarium. I was a bit hesitant about whether they would let me in to this upmarket restaurante.

            “I was just wondering if you let non-Ks to frequent your most fine establishment.”

            “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t normally permit that sort of thing. And you are?”

            “Oh, I’m a J. Jim.”

            “Well a J is very close to a K. And your friends are?”

            “They’re all Ks. There’s Kerran, Kalex, Kan and Kue.”

            “Who?”

            “Kue! It’s short for Kusan.”

            “Well I guess it will be all right. Please come in Kim and I’ll bring you a complimentary ojay, okay?”

I couldn’t look at the aquarium as I was too frightened by all the mean fish.

20. Murder On The Dancefloor

            After a nap, I hit the Waikiki club scene at 1am. Club 1 was housey and empty. Club 2 was retro (yuk) and almost empty. Back to Club 1 an hour later and it was metamorphosis city. Still housey, just not empty. On a recipe containing Madonna’s Hung Up and a pinch of legs who had forgotten what they did today and a good helping of a fantastic house track with the words “everybody get down get down”, I was king of the dance floor.

            It was very much the done thing for solo travellers to dance facing the mirror wall at this club. When in Rome! I spotted some marathoners in this club still wearing their finisher medals. Bunch of show ponies I thought, as I got back to looking at myself dancing in the mirror wall!

            (Fast forward a few weeks to when I bought a house CD back in Oz. Surely “everybody get down get down” would be identified as “Let’s Get Down” or “Everybody”?

            Surely not! The worldwide search for “everybody get down get down” continues, and don’t call me Shirley!)

21. Awakening

As the hours unfolded after the race, something was becoming very clear. In terms of percentage, this was by a huge margin my best ever result. I finished within the top 5% of starters where my previous best was top 20% in New York. Just imagine the result if the second half of the race was as good as the first. In the 44 page results book where the results listing started on page 8, I was listed on page 9, and that was the first half of page 9 if you don’t mind! How cool was this? But what did happen in the second half of this race? Just then, my phone rang. It was Giorgia.

            “Hi Koukla.”

            “Hi Uncle Jim. Top 5%, well done. How many salt tablets did you take?”

            “Salt tablets! For a marathon? Salt…”

            “…I did the race too Uncle Jim and I won the 0-5 age group, and I was the youngest runner at age 0!”

            “That’s fantastic Koukla. We are playing on the sea wall. Come and join us.”

            “Ok, I’ll be there soon Uncle Jim, Bye.”

            “Hi, Bye, Emo Koukla.”

Giorgia had hit the nail on the head of the missing link. I had run out of salt where my biggest symptom was fatigue in this nasty world of hyponatremia. By the end of the race, I was just caked in salt. Salt on the outside of me meant I lost it from the inside of me. And when I was over-drinking at aid stations thinking maybe I was dehydrating, I was actually making my situation worse as I was further diluting what little sodium I had left inside. It was a hard lesson to learn that hyponatremia not only attacks during an Ironman, but also during a marathon.

Race advice found in a Honolulu newspaper. To hold 80 pretzels, I think I must ditch the kitchen sink.

Gonna do this race again one day.

Gotta get on the first results page okay?

No matter what elongation, climate or elevation,

Sodium will always be part of my installation.

The winner Jimmy Muindi, from Kangundo, Kenya. It’s a K thing you know.

22. Lights, Camera, Action

            “Quick Koukla, look up so Auntie Jan can take a photo of us. I can’t balance on this sea wall too much longer.”

            “No not yet Auntie Jan. I’ll just put my feet back in the boat. Until I get some ankles, no photos of my feet please.”

            “Koukla how are you getting home?”

            “I’m getting a ride with Mr T.”

            “Who’s that?”

            “You know him Uncle Jim. He calls you Elliot.”

            “Well is he here now?

            “He’ll be here any minute. He’s just gone to phone home.”

23. Mr T