Cover photo: Present from Giorgia

jimaifandis.com

1. The Show Must Go On

Galileo 5 was about to broadcast live pictures of the Martian surface. But there was a problem Whitney Houston. The signal from Galileo 5 was warning warning Wil Robinson, Lost in Space. The President was getting ready to host a televised classroom to 60,000 students with no Galileo 5 and no pictures. On the advice of Press Secretary CJ Cregg, President Bartlet agreed to go ahead with the classroom as scheduled. CJ thought that students should see both successes and failures, and that a failure this time would only mean a better Galileo 6 next time.

I was convinced. I didn’t finish Ironman Malaysia 2007, but ya all gonna extra extra read all about it anyway. Also, doesn’t the process matter more than the outcome? Or was this just what you said when you had a bad outcome to make yourself feel better? There there dear.

2. Dosage: Take One And Repeat Every Year

Five months after Ironman Lanzarote 2006, I watched Normann Stadler on www.ironman.com win the World Championship in Hawaii. I got up the next day to realise that I must have somehow entered Ironman Malaysia in the middle of the night. With only 4 months to go, I knew I had important stuff to do. Now if only I could remember what. When I did finally remember, it hit me like a ton of bricks falling on my head for 13 odd hours: I had to train! Oh no, not again. I thought I wasn’t going to do another one of these things for a long long time!

3. Uncle Jim Did Boom

Half way through my training, I was riding on the bicycle/pedestrian only track that runs parallel to the Southern Expressway when a trespassing motor bike failed to give way and without warning crossed my path and promptly stopped in front of me. This was what happened when I decelerated from 30km/h (19mph) to 0km/h in 2 seconds.

The carbon forks snapped off the aluminium frame as they collided with the motor bike and I went hurtling through the air landing on my side. I was lucky to have my mobile in my back pocket cushion my fall. $%@&#^%^  I didn’t remember what my helmet hit or the hurtling through the air bit.

The offender was most helpful (except for the bit about causing this catastrophe in the first place), getting me to a public phone to use 1800 REVERSE. So with no mobile and no white pages and no yellow pages, how was I to connect to the rest of the world?

Hmmm. Trying to recall those taxi jingle commercials didn’t work with the best case being some sort of a merged taxi-pizza number. Mum and dad’s phone was constantly engaged and the only other number in the known universe that I could recall was Auntie Rene’s. At last, contact! I was part of civilisation again.

Kerry got me home via the hospital for a check-up.

            “So doc what’s your diagnosis”, I said.

            “Nothing serious”, said doc. “Just bruising and scratches. You will be quite sore for the next few days.”

            “Can I take anything for the pain?”

            “Yes, I suggest an all carbon frame with ksyrium wheels and a shimano groupset.”

4. Gold Coast Is Clear

Within a few weeks, I was back to a full training load when I got a foot injury $%@&#^%^ which meant no running for 2 weeks followed by a 50% reduction in distance when I did resume. Well this preparation was going from bad to worse. The only good thing on the horizon was that I was going on a holiday to the Gold Coast with Giorgia. We invited Kerry and Sophie to come too.

            “We’ll soon be out of this dark tunnel Giorgia”, said Sophie. “Don’t cry.”

            “I’m not crying mama”, said Giorgia. “It’s Uncle Coon.”

Twenty years ago, I would be the first to get on the wiz bang 100km/h upside down double reverse pike super duper ride of the century. Not anymore!

Kerry and Sophie could not get enough of the Tornado. I finally succumbed and decided to give this ride a try with Kerry. Luckily we got on the green line.

With a comfortably compliant foot, I ran 28km (17mi) from Surfers Paradise to Palm Beach and back. Next time, full steam ahead for Chattanooga. Choo Choo.

GABBA on the toot, toot chuga, chuga big red car.

A ball was had by all, despite it being confiscated and deflated as we vacated. You see as we walked across the tarmac to board our plane, Giorgia’s small beach ball was grabbed by a southerly and thrown down the tarmac at high speed towards Cairns. I gave chase. By the time I thought whether it was appropriate for a passenger to be running on a tarmac at 15km/h (9mph) towards a runway, I had scooped the ball which was seized on boarding for fear it may burst in-flight. It was returned before wheels-up, somewhat squashed.

Giorgia and Uncle Coon

Uncle Jim and Giorgia

After many months of Giorgia calling me Coon, I was met with a torrential talk time on exiting the Tornado. “Jim, Jim, Jim.”

5. Cast A Spell

The bike shop I got my new bike from used the outlawed accounting standard AS113. You know the one: 1 + 1 = 3. Ben the magician arrived at a price on his cloaked notepad. On demanding itemisation, I discovered that I was only getting a credit of 90% of the insurance claim value as the bike shop had agreed to give my insurance company a 10% discount to secure their business and it wanted that 10% from me!

My insurance company said that was wrong, I said that was wrong, but it happened anyway. Being ripped off a few hundred dollars $%@&#^%^ was a small price to pay to get my bike to the top of Mt Lofty that evening within a quickly evaporating training window, and to know to avoid that bike shop in future as well as bike shop #2 coz they can’t service a bike:

Chainring gear changes meant a perfect crisp change, a horrendous rattling five second change or no change coz the chain would come off. Coupled with the use of a black chain lubricant which dripped all over my bike and along the length of Military Road, I was not happy Jan. A second visit to the shop didn’t improve the situation. Two days before I leave and I have a broken bike. $%@&#^%^

6. I’m On My Way

It looked like I would get 2 seats to myself on this plane so I was quite happy about this. A window seat next to an aisle seat and all mine mine mine for the next 7 hours. I sat down and looked around. Was I hallucinating? I could see 5 seats in a row empty- empty I tell you! I snatched this patch- what a catch.

I’m on my way from misery to happiness today.

I’m on my way to what I want from this world.

7. Koala Oompa Loompians

Kuala Lumpur airport transit hotel arriving at 9pm for 9 hours for 9 rooms! I said that’s not right- someone at your end has mis-keyed a 9 instead of a 1 for the number of rooms. Safe in my single room, surrounded by 8 empty rooms, I looked at my reservation confirmation and discovered that I was the mis-keyer and not Germaine Greer.

So the hotel lost some revenue that night

While I dozed off after a fright

Went to sit on the WC

Almost fell to the ground not funny

It was lower than usual

Or was I just higher than usual

But all ended well

Did ya like this tell

8. Somebody Save Me, I’m Stuck In Langkawi

The island of Langkawi was a one hour flight from KL. While there were tropical island resort experiences to be found on this island, the main town of Kuah aint no Honolulu and it aint no Puerto Del Carmen (Lanzarote). My hotel was just terrible. The room I got stunk of cigarette smoke. $%@&#^%^ I had half-unpacked when I thought no way, I can’t put up with this smell. I spent many minutes sniffing the air in the second room before deciding this was ok, no more hyperventilating today.

View from my hotel room

The farmer in the dell

I hate my hotel

Having a big mental

Where is Hansel and Grental

My room had old décor, the bathroom sink was half blocked, the shower curtain was mouldy, the linen was marked and had tiny holes and the mirror didn’t and neither did the bath. $%@&#^%^ So how was I to do my washing if I couldn’t plug the bath? With a bucket from the supermucket dear Liza, dear Liza.

Jim with all his will

Went up the hill

To get a bucket of water

No fetching today

No pail today

I should be home with my brother’s daughter

Ordering at KFC while avoiding overhead dangling advertisements and craning to see the menu board.

Western food was not in this town’s mood. It took me 2 days to find a non-fast food western restaurant, which I’ll call Hahn’s House after the waiter, Hahn which I befriended there. Hahn’s House had great cheap food. I became addicted to watermelon juice. Yum.

9. Fiend

This race had its fair share of fiends to contend with. Jelly fish and sea lice were the enemy in the water while monkeys and water buffalos made terra firma murmur. But no fiend was as frightening as this one I snapped a few days before race day. I was walking along the main road when I spotted this two metre plus super lizard in a river within frolicking distance of the swim course.

This all terrain mover and groover was probably an iguana. Just how much harder could this race get? Was I going to make it to the start line, let alone the finish line? $%@&#^%^

10. Cooo-eee From Kuah

Video calling Oz from my mobile cost about AU$3/minute. It was just fantastic to see and hear Giorgia and the gang back home. Now if only I had some good news to communicate! Oh, I know- the weather was low 30s C (high 80s F) with stifling humidity every day and the mosquitoes didn’t bite me!!! I love stinking hot weather and hate mossies. Many an attack in Oz from mosquito, but was not ditto in Kuah.

Got sprayed by this vehicle as I was walking along Kuah’s main road. Saw the word “plant” on the vehicle so deduced that this was a pesticide spray. $%@&#^%^

No mouth to mouth kissing and no swearing on TV in Malaysia.

The big eagle at the finish line. Wouldn’t it be better if they turned it around so you could be greeted by its head and not its bum?

11. Ready…Set…

And I took my broken bike to get the transmission fixed by the bike mechanic at the race office. It was good to see a professional getting her bike fixed proclaiming “It was fine yesterday”. The mechanic did a reasonable job and I was mostly happy with the gear shifting although I would only shift the front gear if the chain was in the middle of the back cogs, so as to minimise any chance of the chain coming off.

            “There’s Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.”

            “There’s croutons in my brain now, brain now, dim-sim.”

And Dr Crusher needed to ok four things about me at race registration. $%@&#^%^ Oh no! I couldn’t believe it. I would have given serious consideration to not entering this race had I known in advance this was going to happen. Height and weight were both positive numbers so that was good. Then it was heart rate with my palpitations per minute number being ok. But blood pressure. Blood pressure. You’ve got to be kidding. I was so tightly wound up that my current through the roof blood pressure was going to go into orbit, just by measuring it. Aaargh!!! Luckily it was a low Earth orbit so all was ok.

And my Ironman band was put on my wrist too tightly. $%@&#^%^ I tried to loosen this thin paper-plastic thing but couldn’t. I wondered if it would shrink in the shower making it even tighter- maybe so tight that I could no longer breathe!

Small sticker bike number attached to rear brake cable in Ironman Germany 2004. Easy.

And there was the bike number to attach to the bike. It was this gigantic thick perspex thing. Just where was I going to put it so my knees wouldn’t hit it and I could still get unfettered access to both water bottles? $%@&#^%^ I spent hours on this task including a trip to the supermucket to buy some string and scissors to better attach this number to its final destination underneath the seat saddle bag.

And there was a race briefing to go to the day before the race which had a last minute venue change which had me walking around Kuah in the hot sun for 30 minutes trying to find the new venue before giving up and walking back to the hotel in the hot sun for another 30 minutes and WHAT THE F… AM I DOING HERE? Just then, Mary rang my mobile.

            “$%@&#^%^  $%@&#^%^  $%@&#^%^” I said.

            “”, said Mary.

            “$%@&#^%^  $%@&#^%^  $%@&#^%^” I said.

            “”, said Mary.

I decided then and there not to do another Ironman alone. It had become an impossible task with no-one there to bounce any thoughts off of.

And there was a 45 minute wait for pasta at Hahn’s House that afternoon. $%@&#^%^ Hahn was ready to cheer me on tomorrow, hoping to one day do a triathlon himself once he had saved enough money for a bike. I gobbled my lunch at 3:15 and grabbed a beef wrap from McDonalds for dinner later on back in my room- not waiting for anyone anymore today.

12. Focus Free Zone

In bed at 10:30pm with 4 alarms set for 4:30am for a 7:15am race start. So I got 6 hours sleep? Not quite. I started off listening to the music I would be replaying in my head during the race and then watched a few videos and pictures of Giorgia on my mobile and then THIS STATE EXECUTES PEOPLE. My biggest reservation in doing this race came to the foreground with the clarity of a crystal. WHAT THE F… AM I DOING HERE? $%@&#^%^ 

…doof doof 135bpm house, giorgia makes me happy, malaysia is a hangman, and da drummachine, giorgia is the best, after years in jail prisoner learns execution date on morning of execution in japan, pretty green eyes, giorgia likes black olives, philippines has abolished executions- taiwan looking to do same, do you see the light, giorgia likes uncle jim’s car, screw singapore…

Luckily this only went on for 3.5 hours, allowing me 2.5 hours sleep. $%@&#^%^

13. Jump Start Please

The swim course a few days before race day. (I wish there really was an orange line)

I felt ok at the start line and I was hopeful that I could convert the avalanche of negatives to date into a good race outcome. My swim training had been good but there would be no fast time today as this was a non-wetsuit swim coz the water temperature was too high. (A wetsuit aids in buoyancy meaning a faster swim speed.) My bike training had been really good so a fast bike time was on the cards today.

My run training had been very average with nowhere near enough kilometres, long runs or bike-run brick training sessions. I was hopeful my fitness from the other two disciplines would spill over into the run, but was quite expecting to hit the wall at around 28-32km (17-20mi). Hitting the wall means you go from feeling great to feeling fatigued and this happens when you don’t have enough training kilometres in your legs.

This was Ironman Japan 2002 all over again! It must be an Asian cultural thing that you spend no longer in the water than you have to. With race start just moments away, most competitors were staying put on the pontoon, even though the deep water start line was say 100 metres away.

Trying to get my goggles on

I slithered off the pontoon into the water with goggles #7. Before I left Oz, I spent days hunting down goggles that didn’t leak and didn’t cut into my nose. $%@&#^%^ This hunt ended at my seventh purchase. As sunrise was still twenty minutes away, there was just enough light to start the race. I paddled to the start line with a huge number of competitors still on the pontoon. This was no good I thought, as I was gonna get overtaken by most coz I’m such a slow swimmer. The gun went off and I thought yeah, whatever, here I go again.

With warm water and gracious goggles, I was on the move to quickly find my groove. After a few navigation wobbles, I finally found a buoy that marked the course. I was swimming from buoy to buoy and I was happening! I estimated I would reach the turn around point in 22 minutes. 25 minutes went past then 30 minutes. Mmm. This must be a one loop course and not two as I thought. Whatever.

1:32:53

3.8km (2.4mi)

73 seconds/50m

I could see the lead swimmers on the other side of the buoys heading back. This was dangerous as there was no physical or distance separation between the out and back swimmers. And I thought I saw a puddy cat. I did, I did saw a puddy cat. I saw two cheating puddy cats do a u-turn in front of me, cutting the course by a few hundred metres!

I reached the turn around point in 38 minutes which meant I was on target for a fast swim time which was quite unexpected. With continuing calm waters I was heading back to shore. Quite a few swimmers were alternating between freestyle and breaststroke. I was tiring and slowing down, but nothing out of the ordinary for this stage of the race.

My left arm hit something hard and hairy underwater. I turned around and saw nothing there and for some reason my swim speed dramatically increased! I felt a slight burning and was pretty sure I was just stung by something.

Something hard and hairy

Enough

Cap off

Cough

Be off

To bike

For hike

No pike

No psych

Bryan Rhodes (fastest)

49:39

39 seconds/50m

did not finish race

Onto the pontoon with a first lap of 38 minutes and a second lap of 55 minutes!!! While the total time was a bit slower than I wanted (fastest 3.8km (2.4mi) pool time in training was 1:24:59), the big news story was the huge difference in lap times, with the second lap taking almost 50% longer! How could I have slowed down so much?

Straight to the toilet and I’m reading the diagram indicating which way to stick your bum in the squat toilet. Stop. Focus. Doing a number one, not a number two! Lightning slow 9:24 transition and on yer bike.

Wei Yi Thor (slowest)

2:18:10

109 seconds/50m

did not finish race

14. Spittin’ Chips

With a very sore throat from the saltwater and with no more evidence of the sting, I started the 180.2km (112mi) bike ride straight into a 10% climb. I wasn’t feeling too good. I didn’t have much power, I was struggling a bit and I couldn’t get into a rhythm. This was the worst I felt at the bike start of all my Ironman races. It was doable but it was not comfortable. With good gear changes and reasonably constant eating and drinking, I continued.

I did start to feel better after a long while for sure. I found a rhythm and just kept going. The roads were open to traffic where the cars were very tolerant of us. The road surface was just great. There was little to no wind with parts of the course shaded from the sun. There was a decent number of hills, though not overly long, in amongst long flat sections. I completed the first loop of three in a 28km/h (17mph) average as three professionals overtook me while clearly in draft formation. Cheaters. I was happy with my speed and I was feeling ok.

The water bottles at the aid stations were just weird. Using my teeth to open the top would result in me biting the whole top off and spitting it out. I was bound to swallow one of these things sooner or later.

A “Slow Down” sign was actually code for “Speed Up” as it meant a steep downhill section was coming up.

15. Surround Sound

Now I used the same Lanzarote plan on Brain for this race, but with a new set of house tracks. After having scolded Brain after the swim as he mostly went off with his own thoughts and didn’t stick to the plan, it was good to get him on board for the bike leg. So every 10km (6mi), a new song would be sung in my head to keep Brain from wandering off into negative thought territory. Brain however did misbehave on occasions by introducing a piercingly sad spectacularly non-house track.